A man should be strong, invulnerable, he is a winner, conqueror of new lands … When will we understand how much these educational stereotypes cripple the psyche of the boys? Thinking clinical psychologist Kelly Finagan.

We inspire sons that the boys do not cry. We teach to hide and suppress emotions, ignore our feelings and never be weak. And if we succeed in such education, they will grow up with “real men” … True, unhappy.

I write this, sitting on an empty playground at the primary school, where my sons go. Now, in the last days of summer, here it is calm and quiet. But in a week, when the lessons begin, the school will be filled with the active energy of my children and their classmates. And also – messages. What messages will they receive from the school space about what it means to be boys and become men?

Recently, a 93-year-old pipeline broke through in Los Angeles. 90 million liters of water spilled onto the streets of the city and campus of the University of California. Why the pipeline broke through? Because Los Angeles built it, buried it and included it in the three-hundred-year plan for replacing equipment.

Such cases are not uncommon. For example, the pipeline, which provides water for most of Washington, was laid even before Abraham Lincoln became president. And since then it has been used daily. Most likely, they will not remember about him until he explodes. So we treat tap water: we dig it into the ground and forget, and then reap the fruits when the pipes finally cease to withstand pressure.

And in the same way

we grow our men.

We tell the boys that they should bury emotions, if they want to become men, bury them and not pay attention until an explosion occurs. I wonder if my sons will learn that their predecessors taught for centuries: boys should fight for attention, and not find compromises. They are noticed for victories, not for feelings. Boys should be firm in body and spirit, hide any tender feelings. Boys do not use words, but fists.

I wonder if my boys will make their own conclusions about what it means to be a man: men are fighting, reaching and winning. Keep everything under control, including themselves. They have power, and they know how to handle it. Men – invulnerable leaders. They have no feelings, because feelings are weak. They have no doubt, because they do not make mistakes. And if, despite all this, a man is alone, he should not establish new connections, but to capture new lands.

I worked at home last week, and my sons with friends played in our yard. Looking out the window, I saw that one of the guys threw my son to the ground and beats him. I ran down the stairs at the speed of the meteor, pushed the front door and growled on the offender: “Get out of here immediately! Go to your home!”

The boy immediately rushed to the bicycle, but before he turned away, I noticed fear in his eyes. He was afraid of me. I blocked his aggression of his own, his anger lost to mine, his emotional explosion choked in a stranger. I taught him to be a man. I called him back, asked me to look into my eyes and said: “Nobody drives you, but if you feel offended by something, do not offend others in response. Better tell us what happened “.

And then his “water supply” broke through, and with such force that it even surprised me, an experienced psychotherapist. Tears sprayed with streams. Feelings of rejection and loneliness poured his face and my yard. When so much emotional water flows through our pipes, and we are told to bury it all deeper, in the end we break. When we teach boys to suppress emotions, we are preparing an explosion.

Next week, the playground in the primary school of my sons will be filled with messages. We cannot change their content. But after school, boys return home, and others will sound there, our messages. We can promise them that:

• At home, you do not need to fight for someone’s attention and hold your face;
• You can be friends and communicate with us just like that, without competitions;
• Here they listen to sorrows and fears;
• The only requirement that needs to be met at home is to be a person;
• Here they will make mistakes, but we will also be mistaken;
• Crying due to mistakes is normal, we will find a way to say: “Sorry” and “You are forgiven”;
• At some point we will violate all these promises.

And we also promise that when this happens, we will accept it calmly. And start first.

Let’s send our boys such a message. The question is not whether you will become a man or not. The question sounds different: what a man you will become? You will gnaw your feelings deeper and pour them with others when the pipes will break through? Or you will remain who you are? This requires only two ingredients: you yourself are your feelings, fears, dreams, hopes, strength, weakness, joy, sorrows – and a little time for hormones that help your body grow. And the last, boys: we love you and want you to manifest yourself fully, without hiding anything.